Thursday, October 30, 2008

Only the Beginning !!!

In a few days we will know who will be the next President (hopefully, we will not have to go through that 2000 debacle again). I have realized a few things, that no matter who wins and moves into the White House, Niall has already won. My choice is clear as for whom I support, worked for, and yes, even prayed for, but what is even more important than that is ....
that I have found my Voice, and have started to use it, no matter how scary it is at times, no matter how afraid I get of what people will think of me. It is that very fear that stole my voice for so many years. I am not defined by politics or social or economical issues, I am who I am (should I break out in song now?), because of all of the above, and so much more. Who would have thought that a woman named Sarah Palin would be the tool that was used to unleash my Voice. There are no mistakes in God's world, everything happens for a reason, it is just what we do and how we handle what is put in front of us that matters. So it is taking all I have to think this, to say this, and let alone write this for people to see, but thank you Gov. Palin. The person you are and the things you said, and what you believe, was just what I needed to finally get those words that were stuck inside for a lifetime, out, out of me like a poison. It was like God finally did a "Heimliech maneuver" on Niall and the words, thoughts, feelings, hurts, and most importantly the Victories came out. I didn't know the extent that I was choking. I had always said I would write a book, about life, my life, trying to make sense of it all, "Someone Left the Cake Out in the Rain, don't forget that title" but in my mind, and my heart of hearts I never really believed that it would come to be. I didn't think I had anything worth saying, no story that other people would want to hear or read, or even be interested in. I thought it was a "talent thing", and me being me, I figured I had no talent, not the kind that is needed to tell "MY" story. Who better can tell my story than me? I also know that it is for me that I am telling my story and sharing my Voice, if someone gets something out of it, great, if not, I have used a tool that is God given, my voice and done what I am here to do. Some people sing a song to tell a story, some act or entertain, some teach or choose a profession, and some people, just being who they are, is in itself the blessing or talent that is God given, and if used in the right way, touches the hearts of many. So where does this go, what do I have to say, I will have to practice using Niall's Voice and see where it takes me. I have already learned one thing, well maybe many things, but I am more focused and use my Voice better when in NYC than when I am out in Rockaway. When I am out in Rockaway I get lost in the Ocean, the open skies, the breathing of fresh air and being with friends, my cat Lucky, he loves to sit on my computer chair with me so I get distracted. I think I am too relaxed and at peace to go to the place needed that will touch my heart and get my thoughts, feelings and ideas flowing. So I am making a decision to spend time in this apartment in Manhattan, alone sometimes, to make sure that I never again stifle Niall's Voice. Oh wait, Sarah just came on the news, see, God knows when I need a push. Her very voice, her being so phony, her lying, her giving us that wink and that "we really know attitude", her distortion of words, (and believe me, not that she is the only politician doing that, Republican or Democrat, man or woman, I am in no way naive) but she does it in a tone that touches my heart like no one else has recently. Again, I have to thank God for that, because few people have pushed those buttons so effectively. God knows what he is doing, I am so sure this is about much more than Sarah Palin, politicians have been doing these things forever, in all shapes, sizes and genders, but the tone of her voice is touching my heart, and maybe in a good way. She gets me riled, she does some act and then I react, I turn from her story and what she is saying, and I share my story. Who knows, maybe I have a voice some people may not like, especially when you add a Bronx accent to it, but you know what; it is Niall's Voice, never to be silenced again. Oh well, I sort of feel like a preacher here. Which reminds me, all the talk of Obama being a Muslim, which he is not, BUT WHO SHOULD CARE ANYWAY; well it got me thinking, when I wanted to escape from the Evangelical Christian movement, of which Sarah is part of, the way I did it was education. I have travelled the world and had many positive great experiences with people who are followers of the Islam Religion, one was nicer than the next. They often told me that what we hear and see on TV, and read in the papers is not the real story of Islam, or being a Muslim. So I went and bought The Qur'an. I learned by reading and studying the Bible that homosexuality is not a sin, that just because the Bible states it, slavery is not OK, and women should not sit still and ask the man at home what is right. The words have been changed and translations done in a way to make some things seem as a particular writer, government or Church want things to be seen. Well now the first book I read was the Story of Mary, how gay that is right, go right to the Marys and women of the Religions. So far so good........

Monday, October 20, 2008

Ban Sarah

Republican vice presidential nominee Sarah Palin says she supports a constitutional amendment banning gay marriage, a break with John McCain who has said he believes states should be left to define what marriage is. In an interview with Christian Broadcasting Network, the Alaska governor said she had voted in 1998 for a state amendment banning same sex marriage and hoped to see a federal ban on such unions.

"I have voted along with the vast majority of Alaskans who had the opportunity to vote to amend our Constitution defining marriage as between one man and one woman. I wish on a federal level that's where we would go. I don't support gay marriage," Palin said. She said she believed traditional marriage is the foundation for strong families.

Thursday, October 9, 2008

My Friend May just be That One

I feel like I have been tossed around as when in a car accident by the way this long election process has just brought up so many emotions in me. Now it is "That one", which ONE did he mean, exactly? It is like when you know someone said something about you, but you don't exactly know which part of your character they are attacking or assasinating, or pointing out, but an attack it is, your gut tells you so. Was it my race? Was it my sexuality? Was it my weight, my economic status, maybe just that I am so much younger and sharper than you, but it was definitely pointing out that "that one" means different than US, and so many times in today's politics not like US translates into not being U.S., not American

Saturday, October 4, 2008


I previously wrote that God had placed a woman named Carolyn in my path, she was used to help me see truth and to start me on my path out of the abusive relationship I was in with the Assembly of God Churches, being used as a tool to "convert" homosexuals. God also used Sarah Palin to help me finally start to let others hear Niall's Voice. God has definitely used women, as a way of moving me into action, in ways I would nor could ever imagine. As much as I may not agree with Sarah Palin or her beliefs, He uses her again to make me speak out. She once again says that Amercians should not apologize for their actions, this is not the Christ-like behavior Jesus taught. She claims to be a Faith based person, yet when she was in the debate, she was asked a question, which one it does not matter, but she replied she wasn't going to answer the questions the moderator asked, or the one's her opponent asked. Well basically she was saying that she was not going to follow the rules, the rules she knew going into the debate. God, at least the God she proclaims to follow and believe in, says in "Her" Bible, when in Rome, do as the Romans do, basically honor the place you are in, and go by their rules. She didn't. So what does this have to do with anything, because Niall's Voice is about more than politics, or one politican, but I bring it up because we, the American audience had to TOLERATE her disrespect for us and the political process she joined. With all her shucks, yucks, ya'lls, winks (scary if you ask me) and her supposed Hockey Mom, Main Street, Joe Six Pack, baloney, she lied and wanted us to believe her, but we had to Tolerate her for 90 minutes or pretty much turn off the TV. I guess we were to do as she does, she clearly stated that she is all for tolerance. She tolerates gays and lesbians, and their chosen life style. She made that pit bull (no lipstick) in me come out. How dare her, or anyone say they tolerate me. The very definition of tolerance is to allow to be or to be done without prohibition, hindrance, or contradiction; to put up with. I had been told since childhood that I would be tolerated at times, in a good old fashioned Catholic school, I was tolerated, in many family situations I was only tolerated, during my drinking and drugging days I was tolerated (thank you to those who didn't give up on me, and did tolerate my behavior). I was not tolerated many times because I was not "a normal" little boy, I was a "sissy", like a girl, I had feelings that were not normal. I didn't want to get beat up any more than was physically tolerable, so I guess being tolerated became acceptable to me. When a woman who is running for the second highest office in the country states that she tolerates gays and lesbians, and will not even mention bisexuals or transgenders, I will not tolerate that. See once again God placed a woman in my path to get me moving. I was going to use the term, the second leader in the Free World, but that makes it sound like we are the leaders of the world, we may be powerful, but I think our actions have shown that we have lost that "leader position" in so many different areas. I realize that so much of the world is only tolerating us, and our behavior. I was a young boy who lived in a world that being tolerated was mistaken by me for being accepted. I was not accepted and barely tolerated for who I was, for who God made me to be, so sorry Sarah, not who I choose to be. It is so hard to tolerate so many people these days, but when I think that God has a plan, and I accept that, I have to accept ALL of that, and I have to react as God would want me to, not as the Neil who wants revenge would. I placed an Obama/Biden placard-poster in my apartment window, showing my support, another way I was letting people hear Niall's Voice, well 2 days later my next door neighbor put a McCain/Palin placard on their window. Their's had an American flag above it, the insecure me said, see they think "they" are the real Americans, at least they think they are, and in my insecure, coming from the hurt little boy place, this was war, should I break their window, egg their door, can you say drama? I said a prayer and laughed, see this is what is so great about this country, we can show our differences, we can debate, we can have our own beliefs, and we can even tolerate our neighbors no matter how wrong they are (kidding!!). You see, like I said, God has a plan, He used Niall's Voice to give me the courage to even place an opinion out there on the window, or on the blog here, and has taught me that it is OK to be different. Tolerance is not always a bad thing, it is only bad when a person uses it in a statement that means they put up with that part of me that loves a person of the same sex. They obviously look down on me, think I am not normal, an abomination to some extent. Jesus didn't teach tolerance, He taught to love one another as you would love yourself and God. To not judge others, unless you want to be judged, ten times that amount. So I am praying tonight for people who are so ignorant that they would in one sentence claim to be a Christian, then follow it with such a judgmental statement saying they tolerate gays and lesbians. God does not create humans, in His image no less, that another has the right to tolerate, but I will leave that part up to God, and those people to deal with, it is too big for me to handle. See I know He accepts me for who I am, today, for who I was when I was a drunk and an addict, and for who I will be tomorrow, and he loves me unconditionally all the time, just like He loves Sarah Palin unconditionally. God does not tolerate us, he just loves us. He keeps putting people in my path to show me just how much he does love me, I may get riled up first, but then I remember, Look up to Him, look in to myself, and then use Niall's Voice to share his unconditional love.